Now when I hear Lie Detector Test, I immediately think of Maury Povich or Jerry Springer...right? The drama starter of all drama starters, what are they trying to do to me? A lot of things can go wrong with just 5 questions so I wasn't at all calm about the tiny number. Now I thought I had been quite open already with the Almighty, but apparently it wasn't enough, now they wanted to test my integrity and come clean with myself.
I have often thought of Ottawa as a boring city with nothing exciting to ever do...in the past 3 weeks i have swam with alligators, dropped a grand on black, did stand up comedy, and now, am doing a polygraph test...I have been proved wrong, because apparently with some creativity you can find absolutely anything to do no matter how weird or random.
Its Saturday morning, and I expect this task to just be a quick in and out, 5 questions can't take that long can they? Now it seems like I'm always wrong when I try to plan ahead these past 3 weeks, so why would this task be any different? It took me 2 hours to complete the test. Not only did Mr. Coulter (fabulous gentlemen) ask me The Almighty 5 questions multiple times, but he had a list of his own. All of the questions were very personal, thought provoking, and somewhat emotional. I have never talked about myself so much in such a short time, absolutely every topic was on the table and there was nothing I could hide.
Question # 1 - Are you holding out in hopes that you and Dave (my ex) will get back together? Yes, the truth.
Question # 2 - Do you have a crush on anyone else who is not Dave? No, the truth.
Question # 3 - Do you wish your Biological Father was a part of your life? No, a lie.
This one is tricky, and needs to be approached lightly. I do not know my biological father, he decided when I was a baby that he was not man enough to take responsibility for his child, and took the cowards way out; he left my mother by herself to raise what he helped to produce. Now I am 24 years old, and I have never heard from him. Now in a sense this is a blessing in disguise, because I am all the stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I spent a portion of my life wondering what it was that I had done wrong to make him not want to be my father. Was I too much to handle? Was I not pretty enough? All of these things were just excuses that I kept making for him, but now, the excuses are over. I used to think my life would be different if only I had my father there, problematic times growing up would have been avoided if he was there to protect me. But each and everyday I grew stronger, I found ways to protect myself from people who might come and go from my life. I guess you could say I found ways to push people away before they could leave on their own, a ridiculous defence mechanism I created to help shield myself from the pain of abandonment. It took my years to realize that these petty games don't work, and that the people and relationships in my life were the most important things, and that I needed them more anything.
I know now that my father leaving is not my fault, nor my mothers, rather he is just a poor excuse for a man. I often think of what I would say to him if I ever met him, how I could make him feel the pain he has caused to so many. The truth of it all is, I'm not the one with the issues, rather it is him. Any man who can be so heartless, thoughtless and careless doesn't deserve to be a part of my life, and it is his loss more than it is mine. I have many things on my life to be thankful for, and things are only going to get better, as for my so-called-father, he can bite the dust and stay hidden. You are nothing more then DNA to me. Yes, I often wonder about the 'What Ifs' - But the best thing you could ever do for me, is stay away, my life is better off without you.
Question # 4 - Are you Happy? Yes - a lie.
I don't think there is anyone out there who is truly content with their standing in life, rather it is a working progress that people need to address on a daily basis. I figured I would be a happy person because I walk around with a smile, I'm bubbly, charismatic, friendly....but no. Internally I am constantly fighting with myself over my fears and self consciousness. I am not depressed, I just know I'm not living up to my potential, and that doesn't make me happy.
Question # 5 - Have Mauler and Rush Almighty done all they can do for you in this Contest? Yes, the truth.
To be continued....
