Task # 10 - The Doozy of All Doozies!!! Strip Down!

SHOCKING!! Words can't really do justice on how I felt about this particular task. Each and every one has been challenging in its own way, but my god, this one just Boomeranged all pre-conceptions I may have had about this Contest. I understand the point of this whole thing is to change my life, but each one seems to be getting harder and harder, and my stomach is taking a toll.

As soon as Mauler and Rush said the Words "Pose in the Ottawa Sun...nearly nude.." my immediate internal reaction was HELLLLL NO!! Of course I instinctively thought of the Sunshine girl (really...who didn't?), and not to say the girls who pose for that aren't beautiful, but there isn't a chance in hell I would be caught dead posing for that. The photo that was used an as example clearly wasn't anyone even remotely close to my body image, she was about 6 ft. tall, legs up to the Ying Yang, and probably weighing the size of my left leg....and they want to replicate it. Someone is taking crazy pills, and it wasn't me.

I've become a real Pro when is comes to hiding my body, little tricks here and there that help make the harsh realities of life a little easier, but it has become exhausting. As most women go through everyday, I've spent a majority of my life second guessing myself, and my appearance, all because I cared too much about what other people think. Its really sad, because even the most beautiful of women are self-conscious...what has this world come to? We've put these un-realistic standards of beauty on a pedestal that can never be reached, and it just makes us feel like failures on a daily basis purely because we are constantly trying to be someone that we aren't. It makes me want to cry, because I love who I am, and I've let the expectations of others rule my life for far too long, and really, I'm just sick of it.

I decided to do this challenge because I am tired of hiding, I am tired of pretending that I don't exist and that I should just hide away hoping no one will take notice. I wanted to show everyone that YES, I am curvy, NO I'm not 110 lbs when wet, and that I have a lot more to offer then the junk in my trunk. People constantly use how they look in a mirror to define who they are, and I've lived by that piece of BULL for way too long. I don't want to be hung up on a number to define my self worth, because I am worth more than that.

It was very liberating to say all of these things, now I just needed to put it all into practice. My favorite girls in the World came with me to the station Friday after work to support me in this endeavor, once again, the push I needed to succeed. I got all dolled up by Rush's lovely wife, she did my hair and makeup (the woman has the largest collection on MAC Makeup I have seen to date, she even beat Saima ;) ).

Jenny and Josie, probably the sweetest most encouraging ladies ever, stripped down with me to help kick the nervousness during the photo shoot. Once the clothes came off, I had nothing else to bear but my soul, no turning back at this point, it was now or never!

It took so much for me to let go, and bear it all for everyone to see, definitely the hardest challenge to date; but the principal behind it was worth it all. I don't consider myself a Role Model of any kind, but a big part of me wanted to just show all the small/petite/curvy/large beautiful women out there that you don't need to be a size 2 to live a happy full-filling life. We can't be ashamed of who we are, we need to make the best of what we were given; We need to start putting ourselves first, stop making excuses or you'll be doing it for the rest of your life. If you need to pose nearly nude to realize these words are nothing but true, then I suggest doing just that!

TASK # 8 - Light a Match and let it all go...

Sorry guys, forgot to blurb about this one...brain fart.

I need to set the record straight, I'll keep it short and sweet - I do not hate my Ex!! This task was a very emotional one, purely because I do not hold any bitterness or resentment towards my ex in any way. We ended things because we both needed to put ourselves first, to go off and find ways to fulfill ourselves. We had been on and off together since I was 16, we've been through so much together growing up, and there came a time when we felt it was more convenient to just stay together then to go our separate ways and figure things out. Suffice to say, feelings are still there, but we needed to end things to put ourselves first, and if we ended up together in the future, it would be because we were certain that's where we both wanted to be, and not due to obligation.

I didn't know how to look at this task, But I definitely knew how it looked to everyone else. I've heard of these cleansing ceremonies before, you see them in movies and TV, where crazy angry woman decide to gather up any and all items that remind them of their exes and just set it ablaze. My ex is still a part of my life, so I looked at this as being dis-respectful to him, and that's not something I was willing to do. Throughout the day I kept thinking of how other people would feel about this, him, his family and friends, and then I realized, I'm constantly living and making decisions surrounding how other people feel. And it was driving me crazy.

This task was not about my ex, or anyone for that matter other then me. This was about cleansing me and my spirit, about letting go of the past, and having a fresh start. This was not about erasing my ex from memory, because memories aren't in things. And if we were to someday decide it was worth giving it another shot, it would be a clean slate, new beginning, a time to make new memories.

Jenny and Josie came over to my place, and helped go through all of my memories for the past 7 years - there was a lot to sort through! Going through some of these things brought up some emotions, but they were things that needed to be confronted. I am one of those people that carries a lot of baggage in the sense that I always felt I needed this little mementos for absolutely ever occasion to prove how special they were, realistically, I couldn't remember half of what it was all for. Lighting the match actually felt good, it was hard, but uplifting. Its the kind of symbolism that really strikes a cord, its a new day ladies and gents, I'm only going up from here!!!

Task # 9 - Show your Funny Side!!

Holy Heart stopper Batman!!!! Stand up Comedy?? Never a fortay of mine, and probably the worst most awkward, gut wrenching task Mauler and Rush have thrown at me yet. This is definitely going to put me to the test. Not so much the speaking in public aspect, but more so the trying to make people laugh part. It is so difficult, especially with strangers.



I spent most of the morning making myself sick, if you haven't noticed already, I'm my own worst enemy. I kept picturing myself getting into an argument with a Heckler, and just totally bombing. 2 minutes started to feel more and more like it was an hour. I would occasionally snap in and out of reality telling myself it was only 2 minutes, to just relax and chill out, to think of the opportunity. But no, that soon faded and the worst case scenario kept reappearing. My guts felt like they crept into my chest and my hearts new home was in my stomach, nothing I did to prepare myself felt right.



As per usual, I got the daily affirmation from encouraging individuals, however, none of it sat well. How did I manage to get this insecure? I got a little emotional thinking about it all, and how 4-5 years ago I would have done something like this just for kicks, to say I did it and walk away a winner. Nothing I could do was helping the fear go away. I even contemplated not going through with it all. I came close about 3-4 times to calling it quits because I literally felt like my heart couldn't take it.



I have come to far and done far too much to chicken out now, how would it look? Not that I'm doing this contest for anyone other then myself, but I find myself getting all sorts of support from complete strangers, people I've never met who want me to succeed. If anything these people are also driving me, motivating me to want better for myself. If people I don't know want good things for me, why don't I want good things for myself? Its a revelation that helped give me the push I needed to put myself out there and attempt the seemingly impossible...Stand up Comedy!!



8:00 pm Thursday, January 29th @ Absolute Comedy - Preston Street.
Okay, so the show is sold out and the pressure is really on. I was able to bring my best girls with me for support (Lore, Filo, Marina, Saima and Jen....love u!!), they promised they would laugh no matter how hard I bombed, and every single person I met; I made make the same promise. There were about 12-15 people from the Station who came to support me (meant the world) and root me on. All of the staff ensured me it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought, but Hey, I wasn't hearing it, I was convinced I would die of premature heart failure the second I stepped on stage. Let me paint you a picture, the battle of Normandy in France, World War II....yeah well that felt like it was happening in my stomach, weird?



"I'd like to Welcome Holly to the stage...." Here I go, its all or nothing at this point. As soon as the spot lights hit me and the Mic was in my hand, it felt like a weight was lifted. I focused primarily on the sounds of my friends cheering me on, I knew they'd be there no matter what happened, and really, its only 2 minutes...suck it up and go for it.


2 minutes later....It was all over....It went by so fast, I couldn't believe it, AAAmazing! I got a few laughs here and there, which helped keep some of my pride. But most of all I was surprised I kept it together, and that it wasn't as horrible as I thought. Everyone was so nice, no Boo's or hisses, totally unreal. Mauler and Rush hit the stage to explain what just went down to the audience, and I just thought, man these guys are so awesome. The fact that they are doing this for me, totally blows my mind. I would never do any of these insane tasks on my own, and they (not to mention Jenni and Miss Josie) have helped me in ways they could never know!! Now hopefully I'll get some sleep before Fridays task, I'm losing my mind trying to figure out what it could be!!

Task # 7 - Needle Assault!!!

Ok so people might think that a fear of needles is an absolute joke, but I would love to just have them walk in my shoes and feel the fear the extremely sharp and pointy things bring on. Its unreal, and hard to explain, but the thought of a needle is enough to make me lightheaded, dizzy, and sick to my stomach. The sight of it turns my insides out, I start to feel extremely cold and stiff, and at any moment you could probably bank on the fact I may hit the floor.



I don't know where this fear came from, but I did have this one traumatizing moment as a child - I needed to get a booster shot or something (which I didn't want), So I got pinned down by the Doctor, my mom and an assistant as I cried and squirmed. To this day I can't look at a needle without feeling uneasy.



The benefits that come from donating blood totally outweigh the negatives, so I just decided I needed to suck it up, bite the bullet, and deal with the fact that my fears can't control my life anymore. Throughout the day it felt like I was carrying a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach. People tried giving their friendly advice, but it didn't help to make the nerves go away. I'm one of those worst case scenario type of people; I see the glass half empty. It's a drag, but the fact people have put up with it thus far, shows maybe its time to just let it all go, no more baggage.



Its 3:30 pm @ 1575 Carling Avenue - Canadian Blood Services Clinic.
Rush is there ready and waiting for me with his big smile, as though I wasn't walking into another traumatic ordeal. I felt slightly lightheaded, but the place was packed, so I just had to snap out of it, I didn't want to make a scene. The finger prick to test my Iron level was not a good start, it hurt...a lot, but I kept it inside. Then comes the most awkward conversation you may ever have with a person, the pre-donating questionnaire all applicants must endure. "Have you ever paid for sex from a person who may or may not have had sex with a monkey carrying the HIV/AIDS virus??" Obviously I'm embellishing quite a bit, but the questions were just as weird. I give them points for being very thorough with their screening process.



All the nurses and staff were amazing, extremely kind and gentle. I explained my fear to just about anyone who would listen because I wanted to make sure they took me seriously. I'm sure I wasn't the first person with a fear of needles and I won't be the last, but even still, they were all very empathetic and made sure they took good care. It felt like I was there forever, Rush was already finished donating his blood before I even took a seat in the comfy Lazy-Boy. My nurse made sure that she explained everything before she did it, but her one mistake was allowing me to see the MASSIVE needle before she put it in, oh dear my head started feeling like it was a thousand pounds. I turned my head, and I felt the sharpest pain surge through me.....then and there I dropped 1/3 of the "F" bomb. Apologies to everyone who heard it, I just couldn't help myself.



My arm was covered with paper towels so that I couldn't see what was going on; it really helped that I had someone there to talk to; Thanks Rush, you helped dull the pain and fear. This is definitely something I could not do alone, moral support is always a plus.



Before I knew it, it was all over, THANK THE ALMIGHTY!! Turns out my blood goes to newborn babies in need, which felt very gratifying. I kind of feel bad that I've been so selfish, this is definitely something I will have to do again; there are so many people in need, and if I can help by putting my stupid fear to the side again, I will. Almost Halfway done!!

Task # 6 - Go Busking :s

I have never in my wildest of day dreaming ever imagined myself on the side of a street in the dead of a Canadian winter, in freezing temperatures, performing for money. I have no real talent that people would pay me for, so I have no clue how I plan to pull this one off. I'm finding these tasks where I rely on other people very challenging, and a tad on the humiliating side. I know people BUSK for a living, and make good money doing so, but knowing I need to pull off $89 in 89 minutes is gut wrenching.



I spent the majority of my morning trying to figure out what my talent could be, and how I could convince people I was somewhat good at it, all in good fun. I can't carry a tune, I'm not a good dancer, I do not play any instruments (man I sound awesome!!), so what's my deal going to be? Catherine was helping me brainstorm, and she came up with the fabulous idea to draw caricatures (for me, that means drawing stick men), and hope people would take pity on me in this extreme situation. BINGO, I think I could pull that one off, and maybe draw some bunny rabbits here and there for those animal lovers.



I figured if I did this thing on my lunch break, I'd be able to get a better audience. If I did it after work, people would just be rushing to go home and wouldn't give me the time of day, and what could be worse then singing and dancing on the side of the street for money? Doing it and not getting paid!!!! On my way out, a friend from work handed me a neon pink jump rope as a Plan B. Without really thinking it through I took it with me, a decision I would soon regret.

So its 12:00 pm at Elgin + Sparks Street - and it feels like its -30. My hands and feet are already tingling in pain and I haven't even started yet. My friend Jess made me a sign to wear so that people who listen to The New Hot 89-9 would be able to spot me, her brilliant plan worked, because the people started stopping and it was time to put on the show. Check out the humiliation @ http://www.thehottube.ca/contestdetails.asp?cid=71



I drew, I sang, and I even jumped rope 89 times. As humiliating as it felt, I actually had a good time. The people were way more generous then I could ever anticipate, maybe they felt my pain (considering the weather) and took pity on me. 50 minutes roll by and Kristen from the Hot Street Team lets me know she thinks I've hit the marker! We head over to the nearest Timmies to count our change and small bills....A whopping $147 in 50 minutes, holy cow, I think I'm in the wrong business!! We probably had more, but we took all the nickels, dimes and pennies and dropped it in the Timmies Kiddy Camp box.



I need to thank everyone who came out to support me yesterday, you all were absolutely amazing and you made this task less of a chore and more of an experience!!

Task # 5 - Help Make me feel Awesome!!

Ok, so is this one of those things that is supposed to increase my self confidence... I hope so...


The purpose of this task is to get 899 signatures of people who might think I'm awesome, or wonderful - out about in the streets of Ottawa. I came into work Friday morning only to be met with bombardment; Everyone was calling, texting, walking into my cube, I couldn't wrap my head around it. It seems everyone at work had finally heard about the contest, and wanted to know all the details, some of which I didn't even know myself. I figured the work place would be a great place to start. I have about 100 or so people in the office at any given time so why not? OBVIOUSLY of all the days to take vacation, everyone seemed to be missing, go figure! The panic started setting in slightly.

***
I needed to hit places with large numbers of people. Luckily The New Hot 89.9 was having their 90's Throwback party @ Parliament Ultra Club; lots of people, so I figured lots of signatures. The place was absolutely PACKED! Maestro Fresh was so amazing, definitely one of the highlights of my night. It was so hard getting around and getting signatures, but I managed to walk out with a huge chunk. I met some really cool people, and some hilarious ones too! I'd like to shout out to the group I met on my way out who gave me an extremely hard time for their signatures. You were hilarious, and you definitely made me work for it.

I went to St. Laurent Mall with a group of friends on Saturday. The foot traffic there was better then I expected, and we managed to spread out covering lots of territory. People were coming up to me because they recognized the station logo and knew why I was there. I heard about a hundred or so times that people wished they were in the contest, so that just made me work that much harder. I feel very fortunate to be able to do this, and I can't take it for granted because there are people who would die for this kind of opportunity. Big thanks to Hesna (hope I spelt that correctly ;). Hesna worked in the mall and offered her help. It was great because she knew absolutely everyone, and walked around with us for about 45 minutes or so introducing us to all of her friends.



Then came the downer of the day; when St. Laurent Mall security decided it was time to give us the boot. Apparently we were soliciting (even though we weren't asking for money, just trying to prove my awesomeness). I tried joking around asking them for their signatures, but that didn't fly.


I obviously couldn't complete this task all on my own, so I had to recruit the Almighty Chosen entourage to help me out. A HUGE THANKS to everyone that helped me by signing, and an even BIGGER THANKS to all my friends and family who came out to help me get the signatures. Mom, Bruce, Dave, Aunt Julie, Adamo, Marina, Saima, Sophia, Filomena, (Lore, u were there in spirit - feel better), Jen, Fred, Kelly, Catherine, Rose, Kelvin, and Kevin + Sarah, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Task # 4 - Just Let it Ride...

So this one is an interesting one, take a $1,000 from your could be $25,000 and just drop it down on your choice of Red or Black @ the Roulette table.....I'm sorry, say that again? You want me to throw away money??? Seriously? I had to let that one sink in, because the idea just sounds crazy! That's like a whole pay check for some people! Let alone gambling is completely foreign to me. I don't understand the reason behind it, because in the end, I've always learnt, the house always wins. That being said Mauler and Rush Almighty did tell me to trust them and explained that this task is supposed to teach me to take the odd risk in life (I really haven't taken many up until this point).

When the task was announced immediately "Black" came to mind, and I knew I couldn't sway, because you gotta stick to your initial instinct otherwise it would be bad luck. I met Mauler at the Casino at around 6:30om. Beautiful place, very attractive decor, I can see why some people might want to be here 24/7.

We decide to feel out the roulette tables. I wanted to pick the write one because it was do-or-die. I chose one with not too many people, and I cashed in. Two $500 chips were handed to me, and I stuck to my initial plan and went black. As soon as I placed the chips on the table I couldn't feel my feet anymore. My heart was beating out of my chest. I shoved my face into my scarf and waited for that little ball to stop. There was dead silence then Mauler said...."Holly.....YOU WON!!!" OH SNAP, I WON!!!!! I freaked my freak and just let out a couple good screams, I needed to get the tension out.

So I banked my $1000 for my task, plus another $1000!!! INSANITY!!! Holy snap, I almost couldn't contain myself! Then Mauler asked me if I'd be willing to throw down my winnings to try and double up. Tough one... I thought about it and decided 'Ah hell, GO BIG OR GO HOME!' I drop $500 on Black AGAIN, and to make it more interesting Mauler put down $100 of his own money to prove he had the faith. The little ball went around and around and I had to put my face in my scarf again because I couldn't bear to look. BOOM, I WON AGAIN!! I could not believe it!!! I was really walking out of here with $2500??? O YES!

The crowds started to form, because obviously I was creating a scene with my spazzing and jumping around. So I knew it was time to bolt. I walked away feeling 10 feet tall, and filled with such a rush. I threw down $1000 on black, and am all the better for it. Still in shock over it.